FOR YEARS.

Trying really hard to get back into it. I’m going to do this, I swear it.

I will be thin and pretty no matter what.

I don’t feel like I can be pretty unless I am skinny. Thin. Not just average. Thin.

I have to, it’s the only thing that REALLY matters to me. At all.

So guess what?

My roommate and I are going to embark on the ABC Diet. I’ve done a low calorie diet before and kept it all off, I know how my body works.

I expect quite a few unfollows for this, maybe even some hate mail. The unfollows I expect and accept, I really don’t want to trigger anyone. However, I do need a place to keep track of this, my intake each day and blurbs about my mental state. It’s a lot worse in my head than a lot of you might even know. 

I’ll still be fitspo and thinspo blogging, but I won’t be posting anything “pro ana/mia”. The pictures of females I reblog will be of the same caliber and I won’t be calling anyone fat, ever. Though maybe myself since I already think it.

Please don’t be judgemental or send me asks telling me about “the risks and how bad it is” etc etc, I’ve done my research and I am aware of the effects on my body, I’m just testing this out.

Today, Day 1.

Ever. And it’ll be really hard for me to be around them.

Salmon for dinner with caribou coffee and sugar free syrup omg so delicious.

Look. I’m working out and being healthy, LET ME WAKE UP SKINNY.

Lol right.

Kate Hudson’s character says a line or two and I was kind of shocked someone even wrote that into a script when it’s supposed to be a show about “accepting differences” and “embracing yourself”.

She say’s something along the lines of, “Hey you, muffin top! No, your name is now muffin top. You are now on a diet of rice cakes and ipecac, or cut off a butt cheek so you can drop a few”.

Like, I understand she’s a dance teacher and physique is important but holy shit. It made me want to find ipecac somehow and I have never even been diagnosed with an eating disorder, just accepted that my thoughts about food and eating weren’t the healthiest. And what she’s saying is clearly meant to be a joke for humor purposes.

I feel like that would really trigger someone with an actual eating disorder or bulimia. Like…it’s not a joke, it’s a horrible feeling. And I don’t know why they would put it in a show aimed at teenagers.

I want to lose 20 more pounds, I better do it by Halloween!

Gained ten pounds from my lowest weight, wheeeeee. I love how my weight fluctuates so easily.

Tomorrow needs to include grocery shopping and an hour of cardio.

Also, a sushi date! I love sushi because it’s fish and veggies, my favorite things!

Totally binged and I’m crushed.

I always find a way to sabotage myself right before it really matters. First right before vacation, and now right before I actually need to wear a bikini.

And trust me I just tried my bikini on and it doesn’t look good.

Please, my legs are so sore but I need that extra push. I need to keep running this week, I have to wear a bikini this weekend and I want to make as much continued progress up to that as I can!

Haha, that’s where you know my thinking is slightly messed up.

I also made a green smoothie (spring mix lettuce, ice, almond milk, frozen nectarines, half a banana, coconut oil) to accompany it and I know I’ll be full until dinner.

It’s all good clean eating food.

So I should be fine, right?